Thursday, May 22, 2008

A bit of a funk

I want to say "thank you" to everyone who has commented on my last post. I think I am in a bit of a depression. This surprises me. Rodger's family and ours have known each other for as long as we have lived here, 22 years, but we never got together and played cards once a month or anything like that. We did see each other every week in Church. I guess I am a bit surprised how hard I am taking Rodger's death.

It seems that everything reminds me of him. When I drink my water, it is Rodger's voice in my head that asked when I came in for an adjustment, "how much water have you been drinking?" I mentally take note of how much water I do drink, just in case I have to go in for an adjustment.

When I exercise, it is Rodger and Mary I see in my head, faithfully walking past my house every morning. When I read my scriptures, it is Rodger's face I see in front of our Sunday School class mentioning that he hoped we enjoyed reading this week's assignment.

When I work on my genealogy, it is Rodger's face I see in the Family History Center. He and his family were a much bigger part of my life than I realized. I am sorry that I took this for granted.

Yesterday after my dental appointment I had no particular place to go. My entire mouth was numb and I didn't much feel like doing anything like shopping or eating, so I sort of drove around. I passed by Mary's house. The drive-way was filled with all the children's cars, still there helping her out. I would have stopped, but I felt like they had enough to handle there. So I drove out to the cemetery and found his grave. All the flowers were knocked over by the recent winds and heavy rains. I tried to upright one of them, but it fell back over. I read his name, cried, then got back into the car and drove home.

When nothing at home inspired me, I realized then that I must be a bit depressed. Usually to cheer myself up, I get into a project. Yesterday all my projects seemed too overwhelming.
I looked on my bio-rhythm chart (palm bio) and realized part of my problem. My emotional line was completely on the floor. Today is at its lowest point. I really don't bank on bio-rhythm charts. It has its place when you wonder why you feel so low and check it. Usually there lies the explanation.

Anyway for a week now I have felt very vulnerable and on the brink of tears. Today, I realized it is more than Rodger's untimely death that is getting me down. It is a combination of many things including his death.

My D2 is moving away in about a month to the next state. Her little son is such a sunshine and always goes into celebration mode when I arrive. He doesn't talk much yet, but he always starts laughing and running around when I come. He wants me to hold him and play with him. I love being loved so much and will miss him and his sweet family so very much!

It is May, Graduation. May used to be my most favorite month. I love the flowers, lilac, crocus,tulips,iris, etc., the freshness of the leaves on the trees, the spring rains. But ever since my children have begun to line up on the HS Graduation "high dive ladder" preparing to dive off into the deep end of the real world, I have become depressed in May. Yesterday was the High School Graduation, and I could swear I feel the sadness in the air that comes from all the other parents who are facing that sadness themselves.

My husband calls me an Empath, like Deanna Troi from Star Trek, the Next Generation. I am not a mystic and don't believe in that so much, but I do feel other's sorrow and become sad because they are sad. It is something I don't control, it just happens and I find myself in the middle of the sadness and realize why after the fact. I have to surround myself with happiness and laughter all the time to protect myself from these feelings though.

I do have some cures. Drinking my water, exercise (Rodger's voice again) and surrounding myself with laughter. I need to get out something that makes me laugh, funny movies, books, etc. Since I am working on someone's wedding dress, I think after I go do my exercise, I will fill up a jug of water, put on a funny movie and sew on this dress.

Thanks for listening and commenting and thanks for the laughter. All you who are humor blog writers cheer me up with your hilarity. Thanks for the support.

Hope your day is filled with happiness and sunshine.

~a

4 comments:

RisibleGirl said...

I know this 'empath' thing of which you speak all too much.

I think it was one of the things that drew me to Hospice. I think I needed to learn lessons about not 'feeling' other people's feelings.

It's not to say that I've completely overcome that problem, but I'm certainly better about not taking on the sorrow.

I guess one of the up sides to this is that we're truly able to feel and share the happiness in other's, dontcha think?

At least that's the way I see it. There is an upside to this side of us, as long as we learn to reign in the sorrow.

Thinking of you.

xo

AnnieOfBlueGables said...

Thank you RG for that comment, and for letting me know I am not imagining or making things up.
I cannot imagine that hospice would help me feel better. That is not something I would be drawn to. No, I would run the opposite way from sorrow. I cannot imagine doing what you did. You are amazing to me.
I think I need a bit of sunshine and fresh air as well. Maybe I will go plant all those flowers I got from Wal Mart the other day.

~a

Stew Magoo said...

Oh NO! That trolloping/naked Risible Girl has been here! LOL

(pssst, ask her about the Deer and the Gallbladder)

What was I going to say? No clue. Oh yeah, thanks for visiting get stewed. If you come back I'm relatively certain that I'll annoy you beyond belief.

(save yourself)

:)

PS Depression is God's way of letting you know that stuff sucks.
PPS If you get a chance, see if you can get that trollopy RG to put some clothes ON!

HiHoRosie said...

HI Annie - sorry to hear about your tough times, I hope things are a little brighter now. Hang in there. You and yours (and Roger's family) are in our prayers.

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